Hello Daily Love!
I am glad I found Daily Love. It helps me get through my day because I feel like I am not the only one going through the same things as other people.
I am 23 years old. I have really good girl friends since I was little but I have never had a really close guy friend or a boyfriend. I have had 1 or 2 dates with guys that have invited me but that?s it I then someway sabotage it and nothing else happens. And when I was in college I became friends with a guy and then we sort of starting having something and we spent time together like cooking, sleeping and watching movies. And every time we went out, we would both get drunk and make out most of the time. And basically that was the relationship. We never had 5 hour conversations, or talked on the phone for hours. Of course, we talked but not like interesting, long or meaningful conversations. And he always tried to make conversation but I?m just weird and never know how to continue them. I will just shut him down, not rude or anything but would start doing an activity like watching a movie or playing a game.
I have a big problem in my life and it is that I myself feel that I suck at conversations and communicating with people. I see all these people everywhere talking about whatever they want, and having conversations so easily. Girls talking with guys easily everywhere and I just can not do it. Thoughts like I suck at conversation, I am boring, I don?t have a personality, I have nothing interesting to say, what am I going to talk about if I go out, who am I going to talk to, run through my head all day long. I am starting to feel really awkward at social situations. And of course it isn?t that I don?t talk at all because I do talk when I need to communicate something to my boss, or to my coworkers or when I go to a restaurant and I have to order? day by day conversations. But I just don?t feel that I can carry a long conversation and I hate feeling like this. I tend to think like what is the other person going to think of me, or like what I am going to talk him about, or am I boring him/her with this conversation?
And I know people tell you just talk about what you?re thinking about. The problem is those thoughts have dominated my mind for a long time. I started doing Yoga and I have been learning how to release those thoughts away from me but they are still there. And the problem is every time I go out I am going to talk about something and plan it out, and it never happens. I am just too shy and too scared to try to do it. And the thing is I would love to talk about books, movies, biographies of people, music, etc and I don?t know why I just feel those topics are just not right. I feel like people are more interested in listening to funny stories or stories about themselves which I have none. And with my girl friends, they mostly talk to me about the guys in their life and I love listening to their stories but really inside of me I am tired of them telling me all of this and I just think to myself I am never going to be able to have a relationship with a guy.
I am pretty, I am intelligent, I work hard and I am a really curious person. I consider myself. I have interests that I would find really interesting in persons. I love reading, movies, music and photography. Really, I READ a lot. I just love to find out about things. I started doing Yoga in August of last year, and I love it. It is that moment of the day where I feel the best with myself because most of the day I feel uncomfortable with myself because those stupid thoughts keep running through my head all day long.
I feel really lonely in my life. And I just want someone to talk to about everything and anything. Just lay there for hours and talk, talk and talk. I hate going out of work and not having anyone to talk to. I hate when Saturday night comes and I feel alone. My dream is to be able to talk to people without any problem, and stop thinking like what else do I have to say, or will this person get bored of me. Just want to have someone in my life and feeling like this, I don?t know how am I going to accomplish it. I feel like I am a really sweet girl and good person who just wants to be come more outgoing and friendly and just can?t do it. I really need help, I don?t know what to do and I really need to have fulfilling relationships in my life. I lack confidence and self-esteem 
and I feel so nervous around people.
And this guy from college, I miss him so much because I really liked him and I would love to be able to actually start a good relationship with him from the beginning. I just feel stuck in life and I am really scared I am never going to overcome this and that I am going to be alone forever. And I have a dream of creating a family in my life. Help people, how do I overcome this in my life? I know I am not the only one in the whole world that has to feel like this.
And for example, once this guy from college brought me home and we were both drunk and I don?t remember what we were talking about and I just remember that he told me like this conversation is not interesting at all. And other guys have also told me that I don?t talk about anything interesting. I?m just so fed up with insecurities and I can?t live like this anymore. I am suffering a lot because I really want meaningful relationships in my life and I just keep on sabotaging myself everyday. And you only live once and are young once, and I don?t want to waste these years away. And I feel like I am struggling in wanting to become a person I just can?t become.
Probably the people who have no problem at all communicating would never understand what I am trying to say. But feeling like this just sucks.
Communicating is like oxygen in life, and I just suck at doing it.
Thank you for reading, people.
A TDL Reader
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This was shared with the author?s permission. We take your privacy seriously and would never publish something without your consent. Share what you?re going through by sending Mastin an email:?WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com.
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